My Husband Is A “Butt Man”

Ahem…I know. This isn’t something a Christian woman should think let alone write about for all the world to see.

Remember when we were little kids and boys (or girls) had cooties and there was no way the opposite sex could be attractive? Boy, things change! By the time I hit middle school I had a journal with my best friend stating each and every crush I had. In alphabetical order, and no secrets! There were crushes left over from elementary school, crushes from P.E. that you just happened to bump into during flag football, crushes from drama, home ec, and don’t forget the teacher crushes! As I examined my list I jotted down in the pages of our super secret notebook, I came to the conclusion that I had a major correlation from crush to crush. One daunting conclusion that I had overlooked in previous years because puberty hadn’t hit me like a ton of bricks like it had the past Summer.

Every single guy on my list was short. (dun dun duuuuun!) 😦

And I mean short. I’m talking about me looking like Bullwinkle next to Rocky. Burt next to Ernie. Tom next to Jerry. The height differences of epic proportions. The sad reality that all of my crushes would be craning their necks to look up at me, to (gulp!) kiss me was more than I could handle. I hated thinking I was more mommy size for them than the ideal girlfriend…eesh! I could picture in my head what every dance would look like from Fall until Spring, and maybe even through 10th grade if they hadn’t hit their growth spurts yet.

Something like this

Those thoughts were of course my 7th grade, 12 year old superficial self. It wasn’t about finding a boyfriend based on personality at all, it was all about the height. And so I went on to love dancing with my friends because I had a lot of them, but always wishing to find that one special guy. The one that I could look for when a slow song started (KC & Jojo anyone?), place my hand in his as he leads me to the dance floor, feel the rush of excitement as I see my friends giving me the raised eyebrow/thumbs up, and look into his gorgeous eyes because they were actually in front of me and not at my chest area. This person was waiting for me, I knew he was. I just didn’t know he happened to be in the room already!

I thank God for many things, but meeting my husband in high school is one of them. The first Summer getting to know each other was so much fun and such a relief. Not only was he ok with my tallness, but that was what he first noticed (and liked!) about me. Something I was so self-conscious of before, became a thing of the past and something I didn’t even think about. On one of our random dates I was thinking to myself about how much I loved this person and what would I do without him and blah blah lovey dovey stuff, and I asked him a simple question, “Honey, what do you like best about me?”

Being the thoughtful type that he is, and only my boyfriend at the time I couldn’t expect much from his answer. He didn’t really  know me yet, did he? I imagined him saying something about how nice I am or the way I laugh. He could probably mention how I make a mean chicken casserole or wear my hair really pretty. The endless possibilities ran through my mind as I let him think over his answer. I have to give him credit because he could have said a lot of things, and he could have lied through his teeth, but what he chose to say was,

“You have a really nice butt.”

My eyes got as big as saucers, my head turned to him very quickly, my face got red as a tomato. But all that came out was laughter. And that’s when I learned that all of my worrying was for nothing, it didn’t matter if I was the size of big foot or a Redwood tree. I had a butt man wrapped around my finger, what more could I have asked for? Well I guess you could say religious compatibility, similar interests in music or movies, a knack for the arts or sciences? Nah, this guy is a butt man. A height ignoring butt man. Can you hear the Hallelujah chorus? 😮

Did you have a superficial embarrassment that you learned didn’t matter as you got older? Can I get a hola back from all the tall girls out there? 🙂

Can You See Me Now?

I hate being vulnerable. People looking at me or watching me makes me cra-zy! Knowing I need to stand up for myself, give a speech, or pray out loud to close Bible study….aaahhh! I can feel my heart start to pound as my blood drains through my body and my palms start to sweat. In my head are thoughts of something in my teeth, my butt being examined by every person in the room, accidentally passing gas even though I know I didn’t mean eat those beans on purpose. Even after I close my mouth and sit down my head still is spinning and screaming inside, “STOP LOOKING AT ME!” I hate it, but I’m gunna do it anyway.

I would much rather be comfortable. Comfortable is well, comfortable. I’m at peace with my own thoughts and my own judgements of myself. I don’t need to worry about what others think of me if I don’t say anything, and I certainly can feel comfortable about my flabby tummy if I know I will not need to get up in front of anyone. No need to show anyone who I really am because they won’t notice me if I’m just sitting here. I can just be me, by myself and be comfortable. But you see, that’s the problem. Being comfortable gets me nowhere- I basically become what I really don’t want to be…… uncomfortable. Allow me to explain.

Let’s take the speech example. In college I had to give many speeches, all in front of people I didn’t know or went to high school with. For me it was a recipe for unending nerves and a stomach full of butterflies. I practiced and practiced for hours, feeling confident and knowing that I would have all the words ready to come out of my mouth come speech time. What never went away were those butterflies. I purposefully volunteered to go 3rd for every speech because the thought of sitting there waiting for my turn was agonizing. Once my turn came I would swallow hard, stand up straight, walk to the front of the classroom ready to throw up, and hope to God no one could hear the pounding of my heart. Then I’d turn to a roomful of eyes and try so hard to concentrate. Not on people’s thoughts, eyes, or boredom, but to the words and the meaning of what I had to say. It was then after all that exhaustive mental work that I realized, I have a voice! An important voice, and my speech about childhood obesity is really good if I do say so myself!

So yes, I could have stayed comfortable. I could have gone last, worried about what all the others thought while mixing up words and saying, “um” every 3 seconds. I could have even opted for another class entirely. But I didn’t. What I did was make myself uncomfortable, to finally feel comfortable- in my own skin. The lesson I learned then is something I’m still teaching myself to this day. I have to make the decision every day to how I want to live my life, comfortable or happily uncomfortable.

I’m A Nice Girl

 

Hi I’m Amanda. I’m a married, tall, working nice girl that has a lot to say. I love to meet new people, and make new friends. You’ll find it easy to talk to me, because I care about anyone and everyone- I’m nice!

I would say nine times out of ten you will see me with a smile on my face and a friendly attitude. I enjoy my husband, friends and family, I love kids (even the ones not related to me!), I really love my life. I’m one of those people that lives a simple life and enjoys simple things. Everything pretty much looks normal from the outside which it should, however this becomes such a frustration for me! There is so much more to me I wish people knew.

I know how to swing dance, I’ve been to almost all 50 states, I can cook, I have two cats, I’m originally from Southern California, I play and coach volleyball, I’m a Christian, I have 10 nieces and 1 nephew, I’ve worked most of my life, and I love to write. The more you get to know me, the more you will learn about my anxiety, struggles, and past abuse. The more you get to know me, you will learn of my struggles with weight, dealing with ADHD, and being a Christian in a secular city. The more you get to know me, the more you will see I am more than just a nice girl. I’m a woman with lots of things on my mind, and I hope you will be part of the audience that listens.

Now I turn to you: Do you feel labeled like I do? Are you just a pretty face or just a jock? How does it make you feel? Did you do something to change it?

Currently: Watching $25,000 pyramid- even the old ones are so exciting! 🙂